Writings on My Wall

ALMOST

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 21:23:45 GMT

"only a fool breaks his own heart"

HEH! I heard this lyric from one of my bro's RnB and Soul CD collection, which he plays in the car every morning (keeps him awake he said). HA! with all those trumpets and drum beats we can have a "disco" there and then. But anyway, there are BLUEs songs in there too. Most of them I can so relate I almost even cried when I heard this other song of a man asking how and what should he do to break it gently to the girl he loves. As the song progresses, you realized he has a wife ie he's having an affair.

OH guys.. I could only shake my head in disgust and disappointment. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! I asked in my thoughts. But his voice is so achingly, heartbreaking... (wow! sounds like an "idol judge" comment!)

One thing I learned that makes guys sooo depressingly annoying is their endless contradictions with regards to their actions, words and thoughts. I bet if he learns to support what he says with his actions, the world of hearts will be a better place. OF COURSE.. there will always be exemptions. And it aint as easy as do-re-mi.

GOING BACK! I now re-elect myself as an Official "fool", causing my own heartbreak. But compared to previous weeks, I ain't doing that bad. Just like the famous quote of Jennifer Aniston, we could be lonely, upset, confused but we could also be doing well.

It is soo much easier to relate to other people's unhappiness. And sometimes I wonder at night, just when my eyelids become heavy, how can 3 months be utterly significant. I would literally be scared out of my wits and wake up again.. maybe I'm not meant to fall in love. It's too harsh, too heartbreaking. I thought with him I am safe, and secured. Instead I find myself disbelieving him. Was it even real?!

There is a tinsy winsy voice in my head that sometimes would urge me to succumb and bend my pride once more. But what for? to be vulnerable again at the thoughtless words he would throw at me?!

I cant.

I have to remind myself every waking hour, everytime i look away from the computer to relax my eyes, everytime i see an industry labelled shirt, a kathmandu bag, smell giorgio armani, pass the corners where we sat, glance at my photo album, walk to skycity, wait for my bus, walk along Fitzwater Place and finally when I couldnt sleep at night when the moon is so bright ----- remind that he just isnt at the same place where I left him. He's been gone a long time ago.... maybe even more than three months.

He told me once that it was not him who looked me in the eye and walk another direction... (this was actually me)

But... he just isnt there anymore. I cannot sense him. "where is your heart" by Kelly Clarkson best describes this.

He didnt even give us another chance. How can he let me go so easily?!

I dont know. So many questions, but I guess 3 months is really nothing, and even if I seek to find answers I most likely wont get any. I could only hope for the truth to come out. It will set us free right?!

It's only 3 months... no big deal. move on, take charge.

words to ponder

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 20:54:45 GMT

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on
and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string
or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it
back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the
piece of confection (lollipop or gum) you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two
people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps
backing a person across the room, until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay'
shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a
milk container so badly that one has to resort to
the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around, asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
are calling just as he or she answers.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on
a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least
twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.

11. ORCHIDOPODY (or ki do po dy') act of hitting
a man in the testis

ship wrecked

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 20:36:26 GMT

EXTRA EXTRA!

I have been resuscitated from my dormancy but solely out of the necessity to regain self-consciousness. Though not fully, I slowly gather strength to let go of the flotsams that I was left with. However, I held on to the last remaining part of the ship that will keep me afloat, and I have my name carved on it. The sweet thunderous ordeal must have left me with perhaps almost nothing.. at times delirious, but I have me. It is only a matter of time.. help will soon arrive.

the perfect song

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 07:42:15 GMT

It's amazing how upon listening to a song can suddenly enlightened and stunned you at the same time. Music never fails me. Just when you thought no one seems to understand what you're going through, along came a composer/singer who put into words the very story of that particular aspect of your life. Maybe that is the reason why some people resolve into listening to the radio or their CD collection as a divergence, or as a way ease tension.. or to RELEASE the frustration.

Music never fails. Imagine how many genre of music you've heard so far in your life years. It's everywhere. It overlaps each generation interconnecting it.. and even outlast it.

~~~~

I just finished watching Diana Krall Live in Paris DVD, which my boss Damien happily lent to me. His famous words were "Im sure you'd love it, you will even want to buy one for you".. AND of course just as he was right regarding baking as "easy peasy", he was DEAD RIGHT this time too!! I LLLLOOOVEEEEEEEE it!!! I lover her deep, husky voice. It was so mesmerizing.. and my golly you should see her play the piano.. seems like she's got an extra hand! Not to mention her band were wonderful too! Wow.. I was dumbfounded ..

Here's the song that struck me the most.. and which rings the EXAct truth in my ear.. in my mind.. my heart.. even deep into my dreams.

Maybe You'll Be THere

Each time I see a crowd of people
Just like a fool I stop and stare
It's really not the proper thing to do
But maybe you'll be there
I do out walking after midnight
Along the lonely thoroughfare
It's not the time or place
To look for you
But maybe you'll be there
You said your arms would hold me
You said your lips were mine alone to kiss
Now after all those things you told me
How can it end like this
Someday if all my prayers are answered
I'll hear footstep on the stair
With anxious heart
I'll hurry to the door
And maybe you'll
Be there...

love is NOT in the air..

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 06:24:55 GMT

No my dear siopao-ly.. love is NOT in the air.. it's more of an aroma of freshly baked muffins, and the occasional hint of irish coffee essence! Yep still standing and baking, been three weeks now aye?! I checked my bank account this afternoon and I couldnt believe i have THAT much. AAhh.. it's really great when you know you've earned that money by yourself. I was thinking of going to the cinema after work and coincidentally bridget jones would be showing in 15 minutes. I had this urge to just sit there and watch.. even if i was alone. haha! LONER! (i so want to watch a movie alone.. dunno why.. i just want to try it out).. but apparently I am not meant to.. at least fate is stopping me to (i remember i had this urge too. but i ended up seeing elaine and michelle so they came with me to watch.. ugh! cant even remember the film!). Going back.. I bumped into ate pam and ate K on the way up.. a lil bit of chit chat and they're gone.. but they were heading to the movie house (no they werent gonna watch a movie.. they're going to the parking lot).. ugh! so i thought better of it. To compensate for that i just bought me a "pavarotti" pie (astig sa pangalan ng pie! pang singer talaga noh?! hahahahahahah!!!) from jesters (yES kain na naman! yum yum) and then headed home.

Charmed was on tv.. and i watched it for thirty minutes and got reminded why I stopped watching it.. "prue" isnt there anymore.. hmm what's the actress' real name?! ahh.. Shannen Doherty.. right? She's far more better than those three combined lol!

I just came home from choir practice. It's sunday tom and our choir was invited to sing at the mass for the immaculate conception (celebration?!). eekk kakanta na naman tayo :D *excited & *nervous. :D Meron nga ring dinner at 7.30pm ang staff ng muffin break .. dunno if i can make it though.

*hayyy... kakapagod mag bake!! yun lang ang masasabi ko. :-P sige ima doze off again.. maaga pa bukas (no not because of work..). There's gonna be a procession at 9am so we have to be there around 8.30 because the roads will be closed. Siomai.. sandamakmak na tao na naman.. aww.. parang "sinulog" nung jan 18... *smiles warmly

one time ill post that entry of mine describing the "sinulog" experience. As for now... tulog muna.

amazed

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 09:37:55 GMT

Unexpectedly or should i say "unintentionally" Raymond clicked on my blog site which i posted as a status in my YM. Very unusual, I mean no offense but knowing him I wouldnt hve thought he'd browse through it.. (eh teka.. by accident naman eh! diba?). Anyway.. he said he really liked one of my entries here which he thought was in a poetry format.. PERO indi pala! hehe!

He then reminded me of this site where I used to post my poems. I have honestly forgotten about its existence not until he told me. HA! So I went to the site.. but unfortunately I couldnt get to my page.. hmm.. it's been that long ago.. dunno if it's still available.

*smiles* it's just nice to know that he still remember stuffs. hehe even if i try to forget.. especially those poems.. ang corny kasi if I read it now! But ironically I cant deny that those poems really, really..mean a lot to me.

So anyway.. for Kuya Budoy *wink* and to all those who's just curious here's the address:

www.poetry.com

search for my name :D

--past life--

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 09:19:13 GMT

aba! ambitious pala ako! haha!

dated sometime in Year 2000
"I ran across the woods, dry leaves scrolling down my feet. Soon my dreams will be within reach. The path I will take will be cleared. It will make way with open arms and will embrace my soul to keep. My hair brushed my face, the wind blew under my ears. It made me feel so free, ready to fly with the sea gulls across the world, never to return from the nightmare I was before. I have a new beginning, a new life. I look forward to this day when I could witness the sunrise of my life. Exploding every extravagant colour within my heart, freeing myselft with the burden of life's uncertainty. I could reach the top of the mountain. Even i f my feet burned on fire, the flame in my heart will never cease. I will continue to strive in finding my way home, where i left my dear true heart. When I have reached the top, I will shout to my content and attend to the world's welcome as it praise the pride and might it had seen. I may fail each time I try, but failure will be a newly found challenge to be better each day and impose humility upon myself. I won't take other's path but I will make my own path for them to follow.

As I finally enter the meadow, where wild daffodls dance with the wind, I stopped and joined them praising God for the gifts he has given. It is how I feel and what I think that makes me different. My ideas will someday flow like honey dripping in a honey comb, to let nature taste the sweetness I have made.. I know I will.. someday. "

--nothing--

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 07:53:24 GMT

There are so many doors in our house. Separating the living room from the dining, the hallway, doors in each room, doors in the bathroom, the toilet, there were even doors which are aligned to each other that if you open all three.. you'd find yourself walking in and out the house in one straight way.

These doors so far had served their function.

I just wish I have the strength to break these.. and for once hinder them in fulfilling their very purpose.

6 by 6

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 04:55:24 GMT

My boss [Damien, who has been running the place for 8 years] wrote down this list as he walked me through the "routine" for my first hour just to get my mind started at 5am in the morning.

1. Arrive at 4.45 - 5.00am
2. Check alarm - If RED swipe with card until light turns GREEN
3. Door should slide open for 15 secondes if it does not open, enter mall through centre doors using square key
4. Turn on lights in Kiosk -- 4 switches
5. Turn on dishwasher at wall -- make sure drain switch is not on
6. Turn on coffee machine -- take off cloth
7. Turn on grinder
8. Take both high-chairs outside kiosk
9. Turn on oven -- Check oven temp 170 degrees C
10. Upstairs to storeroom -- Lad muffin miz on trolley
hi fibre Bran
low fat Scone
11. Return to kiosk (haha! baka "daw" kasi makalimutan kong bumalik sa baba! kakatuwa talaga!)
12. a. Measure 4.7 L water into mixing bowl
b. Pour 10k bag of Hi-fibre mix on top
c. Measure 2.4L canola on top of mix
d. Connect hook
e. Check speed is in first gear
f. Set wall timer to 4 mins
g. Start mixer; Start timer
13. Spray 12 trays
14. Listen for timer to buzz -- turn off mixer and timer on buzz (OO NGA NAMAN!)
15. "SLAB" 6 bowls -- 1.5kg EXCLUDING weight of bowl (therefore press TARE everytime!!)
16. add ingredients:
a. Double choc -- 2 spoons choc paste; 1 1/2 cups choc chips
b. Bonoffi -- 2 bananas; 2 spoons caramel
c. Crm1 - Boysenb -- cream cheese (40secs); boysenb
d. Crm2 - Peach -- cream cheese (40 secs); peaches
e. Coffe Walnut -- 1/2 cup of cold coffee PREBAKE: spring of walnut
f. Yoghurt Apricot -- 3 Tbsp yogurt; Apricots PREBAKE: 1/4 apricot
17. Scoop into muffin trays and size
18. Bake for 34 min @ 170 degrees C

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.. that's "6 by 6"... 6 trays by 6 oclock.

and that's just for the first hour. after this i have to do 5 more trays of sweet muffins, then lowfat, bran, scones (a dozen each) and a maximum of 4K savoury muffins. On busy days I would need to do 'rebakes' .. again 5 more trays. Besides the priority muffins.. i have to learn how to make cakes, pastries, meringues, brownies, eccles, yoyos, afghans, sausage rolls.... the list can go ooonnnnnnnnnn...

*phew!

"The only pressure you have [during this hour] is the pressure you put on yourself".

==Dont read testimonials==

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 04:08:53 GMT

*i got my heart broken twice today. how many times do i have to tell myself NEVER read other people's testimonials, especially... UGH!!!

huhuhuhuhuhu... wala lang, here i am face with the same dilemma every year.. every christmas to be exact. *sobs*(CHA if you're reading this.. you know this diba?!)

... Christmas is really the best reason/explanation/or in my case ---the best 'EXCuse..' to do that extra special to someone without initiating any suspicion whatsoever.

EWAN! bat ganito?!?!

i got less than 24 hours to decide. hmm.. the logical thing to do is just give it. Besides who else would use it?!?!? plus ive already wrapped it with the rest.. wala naman akong kilalang pwedeng pagbigyan nun.. hmm.. teka.. *isip isip isip isip....*

WAla talaga eh!

HAY BUHAY NI LOIDUH TALAGUH!

what do you guys think?! Argh! i should just give it, right?! (Duh you dont even know what im talking about! hahaha!) tsk tsk!!

umiral na naman ang kaengotan ni loidUH...

*fear_fall bit her lip*

No more evening chats..

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 09:28:17 GMT

Tomorrow Im starting a coMPLETELy, outrageous job in which no acquired skills from my past jobs could prepare me (I never really thought of doing THAT before)!

hmm my shift will start from 5am till 1pm maximum. So there goes my EVENING CHATS.. but ill take that as a plus. hehe At least I'll be forced to sleep and not wait for someone to come online during those hours, only to get disappointed. mwehehe! And this would certainly be a way to break the cycle of the possible "holiday blues" that I occasionally have! hahaha! *Akin na lang yun*.

AND of course!!!! I get to have the rest of the day to myself. I can't wait to touch and tune that guitar, to set up the canvases and put colours in it, finish that cross stitch work and frame it, and of course DRAW DRAW DrAW!!!

Well that is.. if I DIDNT get a job in the afternoon.

Im starting to get nervous... is my brain already setup to speak english during that time? haha

Nonetheless.. Im sooo thankful to get this job! :D

This BAKING job! hahahahhaha!!!! (mainly muffins)

by the way... may BALOT na nabili si nanay! heehee!!

48 inches

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 08:13:45 GMT

~~ i ate a total of 48 inches of subway for a period of one month ~~ (accdg to elaine's calculation.. pilit ko kasing sinasabi na 8 6-inch subway lang!) HAHA! obvious bang gusto ko lang gamitin yung FULL na Mood? But it's true!.. 48 inches.. between October and November (ie last two weeks of October and first two weeks of November)... woah.. Rose (highschool friend) told me that Im chubbier than before (cosidering the last time I saw her was... uhm.. 6 weeks ago?) YEY nagkakataba na rin sa wakas!!!! Yeba Yeba! ABA hindi ko alam nahihiyang pala ako sa mga exams! lol! BY THE WAY.. thank you LowLah Elaine for fixing my font size :D mwah!

A Closer Look in the Mirror

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 14:56:13 GMT

“your imperfections make you perfect”.

Literally speaking and appearance-wise this is true. Napagkaalaman ko lang just lately. Though when I heard this statement from a friend I know it rings some truth, I just didn’t have a good example back then. When I got my new phone… with built in camera.. wala akong ginawa (natural!) kung di mag take ng photos of everything.. from my stuff toys (not to mention.. binihisan ko pa with matching light effect!), my little mermaid curtain (which was very uncomplimentary to my peach bed linen), my dad (he really has that funny look whenever I take a photo of him), my mom eating (she eats quite a lot.. pero never ko siyang nakitang tumaba ng ganun! Hehe wow good genes I should say.. I sure think I got that from her! Hehe), my friend’s hands (kasi ang ganda eh.. yung long and pointy. She also plays the piano so well.. hmm.. I wonder.. if I learned how to play a piano would I have those hands too? Only the future can tell.. “future”.. i e enrol ko magiging anak ko sa piano lessons!), yung tito ko habang kumakain (ka-partner ko yun kumain sa KFC eh!)….at syempre pa.. I took pictures of myself..

And that’s when I realized that.. im not at all symmetrical as I thought I was when I see my reflection in the mirror. My right eye is smaller than the other.. this is more prominent first thing in the morning or whenever I woke up. I also have these two massive front teeth.. that makes me look like a squirrel. Even though I had braces (eh premature naman yun) it’s still a bit protruding. And then I have this nose… AH! (sakit na nga ng pinoy yun!). my ears.. na parang tenga ni legolas! And I also notice how much light can be reflected from my forehead!

But then…. As I said before.. your reflection doesn’t highlight these slight flaws. Your eye no matter how asymmetrical they are.. project the image of your nose, teeth, lips, ears, teeth, and itself.. as a whole.

Maybe this is how God sees us. He doesn’t look at our weaknesses and strengths, nor the mere fact that one leg is shorter than the other. For him we are indeed perfect. All the other imperfections cancel out just like a mathematical equation. Even if the two sides look different, God can prove to you.. that these are indeed equal to each other.

It could be difficult at times, for comparison’s sake. We can’t help that. But we know that we are either going to come out as egoistic maniacs who prided himself superior to others, OR a complete sucker who retreats in his shell. Either way we are left with nothing but our “SELF”..

Your imperfections make you perfect. For God never makes mistake. We shouldn’t even call it “imperfections”, hmm… it’s more of… a “surprise twist”, just like the ending of few films which make a great impact to the viewer (dead poet’s society). Or that unexpected mishap in the laboratory, which resulted to a discovery of something that wasn’t even intended. Or even that flavour in food that caused you to have another try to savour and deduce what has made it soo.. scrumptious!!

This is God’s twist, which compels you to be as remarkable, unexpected, fascinating person that you are.

my Immortal

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 14:00:08 GMT

It's all Mae's fault! hmph!

haha! goodness di na ako naawa sa kaibigan ko eh, she's been sick for almost 3 days now! Get well soon MaE!!!

(commercial break: im currently sitting on my brand new striking red swivel chair! hihi so comfy!)

So moving on.. what's up with Mae? Well, yesterday she was reading to me some of her journal entries. And there I was, got excited with the thought of walking down the memory lane so I absent-mindedly took my (as i found out later on!) 4-year-old diary.

Surprise, surprise (though not new to me anymore!).. my "immortal"s name kept on appearing in every entry! --- Amidst the euphoria, expectations and disappointments, uncertainties and amazements, confusions, trepidations, the heart-stopping-eye-gaZing moments and of course the speech-impaired first meeting -- it's there.

It's been four years.. wow, but for me it only seems like yesterday ("there's just too much that time cannot erase"). My diary entries then and now even have a perfect correlation (hehe! too much quantitative genetics).

bittersweet.

But it managed to make me smile.

anong tagalog ng DILEMMA?

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 00:08:31 GMT

I saved this entry in my phone dated 9th of February 2004 (2:18 pm). It’s quite amusing reading it again this morning because I remember that it took me the whole day editing and rephrasing the message I was trying to get across. It was proven to be quite challenging given that it’s all written in tagalog. HAHA!! Take note, No tag-lish in here okay? Phew! My very first Pure TAgalog entry.

For those English speaking readers I’d put the translation in my next entry. Mwah!

Eto na:

“Bakit kapag may iniiwasan ka at sinusubukan mong palipasin ang mga araw para lang maibaling mo ang atensyon mo sa ibang bagay, lalo atang humahaba ang paghihintay mo sa sandali kung kailan hindi mo na siya muling maiisip pa.

Hinahangad mo na sana bukas o makalawa. Tutal hindi lang naman araw o buwan ang nakalipas na ganito na lang ng ganito. Minsan naiisip mo rin

“.....marahil hindi na rin darating….”

Siguro dahil alam mo rin na kahit na gaano pa ang pag asam mo sa kanya di maglalaon alaala lamang niya ang mananatili.

At ito lamang ang tanging mapanghahawakan mo.”

SO what you think? Did I make sense? Actually upon typing it.. I edited IT AGAIN! Geezz!! I so want to take FiLIPINO class these days! Hahaha!!!

Crikey!

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 09:24:19 GMT

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did
Time helped me?" Knowledge answered, "
Because, only Time is capable of understanding
how great Love is."

*sigh... bull's eye again! Posted by babaMae at friendster. AHHH Im soo sleepy, I keep telling myself that I have to start genetics, but Im proving to be a nuisance to myself. LOL! ..... *yawn!

oh.. btw, Airfare is fully paid.

It IS going to happen... oh.. !!!

CRAP! That would also mean Im not going back to Philippines next year. OH man! it seems like EVERYONE's been there except for me (ie jasmine trias, Amazing Race casts, alicia keys..!!) hahaha!!!

Hmm.. unless... Switzerland trip is postponed till 2006. Hmm...

we'll see..

*sigh.. I feel stink! but I can't possibly put here why... CRAP! tsk tsk tsk!

But looking on the bright side.. I finally tasted that 'aloe juice', ahh so yum especially when it's for free! Thanks Ramon! AND the other thing? I had the bestest 203 lab this afternoon compared to the previous labs, EVEn though all our results were mocked up! hahaha! and for that I'd like to thank Kirbs!

Okay now that Im uplifted I can leave you readers be .. and I can sleep peacefully. (is it me or did i just rhymed?)

Measurable..(?)

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 08:55:59 GMT

How exactly can someone tell you (if you're in a relationship) that you are not putting "ENOUGH" effort in the relationship? What is "ENOUGH"? Where do you set the bar?

UGH! It's just sickening when someone tells you that he/she thinks that you are not doing anything to make things work and it sort of suck the life out of you. I mean, of all the people who will say that..

(well im a slack at my job at times.. WE all are, it's called 'soldiering' termed used by frederick taylor haha! management paper really paid off!)..

SO why does it have to come from someone who you have fought for, you have ChoseN over the other or someone you have given the chance to love and at the same time hurt you?

Can you really measure how much a woman cares for a man or how much a man loves a woman?

We all are different (right!). And like what a friend told me (LESLIE that's you!), some people prefer showering their special someone with gifts (hehe!), or hopelessly romantic poems, or composing a song, or maybe just giving her a lift, or typing emails every single day, or even agreeing to meet him/her at times usually inconvenient but nonetheless still make an "effort".

In short, being in a serious relationship requires both parties to sacrifice, maybe not to a bigger extent, but still without those little sacrifices the relationship wouldnt have been developed anyway.

It's really easier said than done. But I think we should all appreciate the person we are with. Maybe they're not very good with words, or they dont have phone credits to text you every hour, or they dont have a car to drive you around but

they DO LOVE you.. and it's human nature (i think) that given the CHANCE, they INTEND to SHOW it to you.

haha!! I wonder why im still single! HEEHEE!!

Gold CoasT!!!

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 00:05:42 GMT

YEY!! Ive got my mum's gold credit card! heehee! Later on me, Marjorie and Rey will be booking our flight to.. AUSTRALIA! THE Land of the Koalas..

oohh i wonder If I can take one home.. *deep thought

ops! bugs might get jealous!! lolz

So that means Im 'spending' my holidays working to SAVE up! Gosh when will I get my laptop!?!?!

An Introduction: IM REady!!

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 06:24:25 GMT

Reading my 4 previous entries here, I can accurately describe myself as religious, melodramatic and a love-fool. HAHAHA! Though of course I will never deny that those 3 adjectives do not suit me, nevertheless, they (alone) dont define me.

Awhile ago two friends let me read their live journals. And it just occurred to me that what I have been putting here is well... uhmm kind of "serious" stuff.. WELL sort of. NOt to mention I didnt actually have a PROPER INTRODUCTION of myself. Sure, I introduced my name but then again as I have said before, it doesnt define me.

Before I was still thinking whether or not to make this public. It was really kind of.. daunting I supposed. I mean, I am going to post this to the WORLD WIDE WEB!! hohoho!

But there is also good in this. That would mean I can have my friends check this out too. Since they are like specks of dust scattered everYwhere. EVERYWHERE as in Philippines, Australia, America even Argentina! hahaha! Not to mention I rarely see some of my friends here, and it's really good to catch up. So without further adieu.. here's my intro!

Im currently a biotechnology student. I would practically have no life for four years, but I chose to have one, by enjoying what I am doing right now and thinking of all the possibilities before me especially when I graduate. Im really positive about this. PHEW! It's hard work though.

On weekends I attend choir practice. I dare say, we have quite a reputation hahaha! And They are like my second family (families!) here in NZ (yes I live here at middle earth!) since it's only my immediate family who are here (no relatives whatsoever).

Usual hangout is in the food quad. Im a current UNOFFICIAL member of mee goreng inc (instant noodle club). Im a Trying hard volleyball player, I love watching rugby (especially doug howlett!). Alone time is usually at starbucks, albert park (yey! it's almost summer!).

I miss watching basketball, lunchtime programs, my dog patty (havent seen her for 5 years.), my highschool and elementary friends (lovers? haha!).
OH and I know Im going to miss christmas carols and lanterns (again) this christmas...

Anyways...

If I have the TIME in the world I would draw my beloved rabbit named after the famous bugs bunny! haha!! And possibly finish this portrait of a special someone *SIGH that I have been trying to do so for almost 2 years now! My golly!

I am single and loving it! HAHA! and most importantly, my day wouldnt be complete without showing off my "dimple" (it's only one!), humming a good song and thanking God no matter how the day turned out to be.

YEYY!! can't wait to write here again :)

Realisation

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 12:13:08 GMT

It occurred to me that I am the only one left here lying on the ground after a heart-trenching fall. There were two of us, I can vaguely remember. It was as if the pull of the moon that night was very evident with the waves crashing onto the shore. It shone so bright you can mistake it for the sun except of the visible craters on its surface. We have come very close to it but as I have said, we fell. There were so many stars that glistened that night, as if someone scattered glitters across the sky. His eyes were of those. The wind carried us to the clouds. It took awhile to get there. At times I could not see him. I fell blindingly and the misty wisps of clouds were not helping either. It was getting colder, I could feel my lips burning. Ice cold. Even the tears that tried to warm my face were only there for a brief second. Then suddenly, I felt his warm hands around my waist and caught me. Confused, but bewildered how he managed to let me go on my own, floating and be just in time to hold me again and make me his.

It remained like this for a while. Most of the time we were on our separate ways. I remember watching such a breathtaking sunset, layers and layers of colour that I have never seen before. That I can never describe because I don’t know enough colour names to fit what I saw. I wished he was there, if only he was there. At times I knew I heard his voice, his joyous laugh. But it is an echo. His shadow would pass me sometimes from above, interrupting my solitude. And again he would reach for me and tell me of the wondrous little adventures he went to.

The time came when we were finally close to hitting the ground. We were only a thousand feet above and our fall was so rapid I knew I was holding onto him too much. I didn’t even want to let him let me go. I told him that I’m scared.

And he understood.

I am certain he was with me the whole time.

I may have been asleep for a long time now. Dreaming those times with him over and over again. I woke up smiling knowing it would be his face I would see for the first time.

It wasn’t so.

It occurred to me again that I am the only one left here lying on the ground after a heart-trenching fall. I saw the spot where he laid, and his footsteps imprinted onto the sand. But as quickly as I have seen it, quicker still did the waves washed it away. I never knew where he went nor discerned why he left.

It probably never occurred to him that the reason I risked the fall was because I know.. I will be falling with him.

Positivity

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 23:45:42 GMT

Yes the Wellington Trip did the ‘trick’.

But not without the reassurance that everything WILL be alright.

My last entry here was an understatement on how I really felt that day. Actually, there wasn’t really a strong indication on what the situation was.

Lost, desperate and somewhat lonely.

Everything seems black and white ( it reminded me of Schindler’s list movie ). If it wasnt for the sign (the RED bus! Hehe!) I wouldn’t be able to know where to go. It was a good choice to go to this cathedral that I’ve heard before, sounded familiar but a place where I’ve never really been.

It was a sanctuary. St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

Relief, consciousness and Peace.

He was there. I may not talk about Him verbally these days… but there are times when I believe He present Himself to me. At those times when I have questions and He answers them there and then. The time when He is there to hold me in His embrace soothingly and lovingly. I know I’ve got insecurities but it’s only with Him when I know I am truly and entirely accepted ( I can feel a lump building in my throat as I typed these)… I can only pray that I would be able to love as He does.

After a silent prayer in the midst of sniffing and crying… I went out to face the world again.

Noisy, indifferent but with a tinge of sun’s rays piercing through the dark clouds that brought rain.

From then on.. I believed .. everything IS going to be alright.

what is it?

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 01:26:24 GMT

Wellington will be a 2-days-3-nights-get-a-way, hope it's enough to put me back on track.

Im supposed to be doing my abstract for my scigen paper. As usual.. Im finding all creative ways to avoid it. Procrastination IS an illness.

This is my second entry.. and when I started this yesterday (i think) .. I immediately thought.. but who will read this?.. Somehow I'm alright with the idea that I havent got any friends on my list to read this.. so unless I invite people this will just be my own private uhmm.. writing. is it?

I always have this dream of singing on stage. Well that dream was already made real, not exactly what I have in mind though. hehehe! Im obviously putting down thoughts that just pop in my mind. And still even here I avoid the conflicts within me. The conflicts I had the moment I said "see you later" to a friend (friends.. that's what we are.. hmm.. anyway more on that laters.)

OH i suddenly remember.. this friend of mine asked me to read this journal entry of his ex. Initially he implied that we were almost alike.. both good on people, 'popular', always cheerful blah blah...The main difference is that.. she's more self-destructive.. than I am. Even her journal entries reflected that.

So... now that I am finally putting things onto writing (like she does) on what goes on inside me I have a notion that i might end up just like that. hmmm.. nah.. Hopefully not. hehhe! it's not like Im going to blubber around saying that the only possible solution to my problems is committing suicide or hurting myself in some way.

But honestly? Im currently unsure of myself lately. It's like standing in the middle of the crowd here in uni... looking around.. and thinking ... I should be in another place.

Of course I've struggled most of my life trying to "belong" myself. Insecurities perhaps. For the past few days these 'issues' started to emerge again. Not that I was able to actually pull it out from its roots like weeds in the garden. Hmm... Perhaps I managed to before. I remember 2002 retreat (7th form).. when I had a confession... and for the first time in New Zealand I had come clean with someone. I cried my eyes out that night.. and my friends sat there flabbergasted seeing me.

So anyway........ it's personal.

Maybe what I need right now is just a shoulder to cry on. then i instictively asked.. "what is there to cry about anyway"?...

It's probably just the weather. It's cloudy with light shower of rain.